Cerita Cinta Aku

Bismillah...

jam hampir menunjukan 12 tgh malam..
well, cliche plak bile start mcm tu..tp xpe la...
saje nak menaip malam ni...hahh

masih terkenang2 lagi mimpi semalam...
insan yang aku rindu 200% muncul sbg hero mimpi aku..
feeling so real...sedih bile sedar itu semua mimpi dan khayalan aku semata....
my friend kate "tu la, dok sebut2 name die..masuk dlm mimpi"..
mungkin la..org tua2 pun kate mcm tu..sebab dok sebut, masuk ladlm  mimpi..
bukan sebab jodoh pun...damn~

kadang2, bile nak tido...sambil muhasabah diri..
aku terpikir, mcm mane la nak tau jawapan istikharah..
dok google ustaz azhar pun, mcm still confius...
betul ke ape yang aku rase..or mungkin sebab aku bias...
ustazah kate "istikharah ni kne neutral..xboleh ada rase pade sape2..baik A atau pun B"
so,tu antara sebab knape aku stop istikharah aku malam ke 4..
ingat nak buat sampai malam ke-7..
tak kesampaian...dulu la..cerita istikharah awal tahun hari tu...haha

antara kehendak hati, atau jawapan or mungkin bayangan seolah jawapan...
akhirnya aku pilih untuk lupakan je sape2 y muncul..
baik baru muncul,atau pun y da hampir sedekad muncul...
tapi hati..mane la boleh menipu...
rindu dan rasa sayang...bukan senang nak tukar jadi benci...
tapi sekurang2nya azam 44 hari tu menjadi je..

kenape kene fikir, org y lansung tak fikir pasal kita...
jawapan aku senang..sebab bodoh...
so, disebabkan aku benci perkataan bodoh, maka terpaksa la aku, untuk tidak berfikir pasal org itu..
sebab bodoh la, aku rasa hidup aku teruk sekarang ni..
belajar tinggi-tinggi pun, ada masa kita tetap bodoh...
so aku decide untuk tak jadi bodoh lagi..

study tinggal 6 bulan...
mysweet ct da dpt keje..mmg nak hasut die blanje aku...hahh
aku pun ingat nak balik for good la kat umah..
lagi pun, da lame sgt rasenye hidup kat upm...
sejarah2 yang ade dlm kepale otak aku is sejarah heart broken je byk...
and sejarah jumpe sahabat2 yang sgt unik...love all them..
da tibe mase aku mulakan sejarah baru...tempat baru..kawan baru...

klu boleh aku tak nak lagi duduk upm sem depan...
malas aku nak recall memori2 indah klu tetibe terserempak...
buat sakit balik je hati aku yang kene kelentong hidup2..
tp akibat kemalasan aku menulis thesis, maka ade la lagi aku sem depan...
target bulan 12 chow....or mungkin awal dari tu...

pasal kawin..hurm..
mcm tadi la..aku klu boleh, aku tak nak lagi bodohkan diri aku...
cukup la kot...
jodoh ni rahsia...
klu Allah nak bagi, die bagi..klu bukan jodoh, tggu la 3-4 tahun pun..memang bukan jodoh...

pasal keje..
aku da mule la pikiaq keje melalut ke laut..
niat hati mcm nak jadi pelukis jalanan...tp susah la...confirm mak xbagi..
pastu, klu xde restu..confirm xde pelanggan...da sah2 aku mmg xpandai melukis..aigoo
keje lain dalam kepale otak aku ni, bisness..
proposal pun xsiap2...ape nak jadi la aku ni...

org kate, "sambung la Phd"...ade giler...
mmg x la skrg...aku mcm rase bosan da belajar...teruk2..
buat mase ni je la..belajar serius fun..tp tak real...
rase mcm hidup dalam fantasi..org2 sekeliling mcm still tahap baik n separa baik..
hakikatnye kat luar, jahat kot..
kate je bos, tp die la hantu..dok aniaya staff...
so, memandangkan umur aku pun da 26 tahun, aku rasa da tiba masa aku sedar diri
hidup dan hadapi kehidupan...
yang penuh cabaran dan liku-liku..

impian...
satu je...masuk syurga..
at last..xkesah la sape jodoh aku, ape keje aku, sampai mane aku belajar...
yang paling penting is syurga...
aku kne ubah diri aku bukan untuk sape2, bukan untuk keje...
tp untuk syurga yang harga nye terlalu mahal...
beberape kali aku jatuh...tersembam jauh ke dalam dunia berlumpur busuk dan kotor...
syukur Allah masih kurniakan insan2 hebat untuk memimpin tangan aku..
tarik dan terus menarik..
sampai satu saat, malu rasanya sering ditarik...
sedang aku masih tidak mampu menarik org lain...

satu bende yang aku tau

Alhamdulillah atas semua nya...
itu lah Anugerah Cinta Teragung bagi aku...
cinta yang tak pernah meninggalkan, menipu,  mahu pun menuntut balasan....

andai takdir itu mendahului

Bismillah...

lama sudahku mencari bayangmu...
yang hilang bertahun-tahun yang semakin rapuh..
bila tersedar di atas kesilapan diriku...
maafkanlah aku,bila aku melukai hatimu
mungkin juga kita yang terlupa siapakah diri ini...
bila tiada lagi ku sedari kisah ini terhenti...
cubalah fahami cinta ini
memerlukan kau dan aku...

even though i've tried...
the love and the pain wont go away..
you always in that memories..
seems to be stuck and go no where...
but i really do wanna stop all this..

Maafkanlah pintaku begitu,
tak terdaya tak mampu menjaga cintamu...
hapuskanlah setulus kau khianati
usah pernah tangisi,
maaf sejuta kata...ku tak kan cuba kembali..

even i hurt and cried all night,
i always know that takdir itu sentiasa mendahului...
and to see you happy with ur life...a life without me,
make me think...and feeling so sure
i know i made a mistake by the time i said "yes"..

seperti mentari kan hilang,
mengikut jejakmu,menghapus bayangmu..
dan tidak bisaku mengerti semua yang terjadi harus begini..
kini yang tinggal hanya, sisa-sisa kisah yang terindah..
dan hitam tiba membawa derita..
sejujurnya masih ada rasa cinta yang tak akan putus
kerna alasanmu untuk ku bahagia
seharusnya kau sedari separuh jiwaku akan mati..
yang tinggal hanya alasan untuk bahagia...

what left is only a reason for me to be happy..

p/s: people say that smile can heal every tears... but why i keep crying even i tried hard to smile? heartbroken and keep bleeding... ;(

if i close my eyes

Bismillah

If I close my eyes, what I can see is only....hurm
my heart is only calling for........
damn..what happen to me...
hate myself keeping be this person...
I miss the old me...me with nobody...
not even with you...or with him

If only you could see the tears in the world you left behind
If only you could heal my heart just one more time
Even when I close my eyes
There's an image of your face
And once again I come to REALIZE
You're a loss I can't replace

Soledad
It's a keeping for the lonely
Since the day that you were gone
Why did you leave me
Soledad
In my heart you were the only
And your memory lives on
Why did you leave me
Soledad

Walking down the streets of Nothingville
Where our love was young and free
Can't believe just what an empty place
It has come to be
I would give my life away
If it could only be the same
Cause I conceal the voice inside of me
That is calling out your name

Soledad
It's a keeping for the lonely
Since the day that you were gone
Why did you leave me
Soledad
In my heart you were the only
And your memory lives on
Why did you leave me
Soledad

Time will never change the things you've told me
After all we're meant to be love will bring us back to you and me
If only you could see

Soledad
It's a keeping for the lonely
Since the day that you were gone
Why did you leave me
Soledad
In my heart you were the only
And your memory lives on
Why did you leave me
Soledad 

p/s: Can't focus on my writing..too much thinking make myself useless...

it's time

Bismillah...

thing that happen, make me think about something...
why i still holding the memories if it is just make myself worst..

i just stuck in someone shoe..
feel like exactly like peterpan song "menghapus jejakmu"
i really need to move on if i wanna live for my mom and myself..

someone who already decide not-to-exist in my life, supposedly gone by now..
it is time for me to remove all things that play around in my head..
why i need to keep it?
and why i need to be hurt and stupid, just because the promise of yesterday..
"hope this friendship last forever" and
finally the hope....be last thing to hold...and its time to let it all go now..

I think to put this, far far away from my life since this always be with me since day first I'm in Serdang...

I don't think this is necessary anymore to give me strength...

"engkau bukan lah segalaku, bukan tempatku hentikan langkahku"

p/s: when all people dreaming to be together, i dream to be alone...

once in a lifetime

Bismillah...

not too late to say this, i guess..
SALAM LEBARAN EIDUL FITRI MAAF ZAHIR DAN BATIN

for sure, I miss my dad a lot...
ask for his forgiving i a must..
yet, he reply nothing..
but i am surely believe he know that i miss him soo damn much..

i try to be great daughter...i mean better daughter since i am already great..daa
to u...and to mom..
i made a lot of mistake..to u and to mom..
i am sorry...i'll fix that this year..ok dad?

here some picture for u..

we look so orange that morning...everybody is here..

daughter and son...selfie...that new term,dad..additional word in dictionary..hehe

and of course...we the only who living alone and stay single...i mean 4 of us..

as just like u taught us..."ziarah" all atok and wan...makcik n pakcik...

and of course...here, picture of yours sweet little son and daughter..or may be prince and princess..living without you is hard, dad...but thanks for the only hero you left with us..

this is the 3rd day raya...nothing to do..just trying easily to finish all durian, manggis, rambutan, duku...etc

forget to mention..everybody left me behind, dad..me, myself sewing my own hari raya dress...thanks Allah cause its come out beautifully...for me at least...

u never left me behind, right dad? cause i always be ur little princess..yes, even i am big..haha

nice talking to you, dad..

before i end this,

i just wanna say..

when people or may be a person hurt me,

i really want u to be there and scold them..

like u always do...

those family make fool of me..and i am really sad right now..

heart broken and angry..

i know u can't come back home,now..

but in case u cross by, 

please come and visit me...

bye dad..

every moment happen is once in a lifetime..

I cannot get this second again in the future..

once i did, there will be no more turn back..

yes i regret...but i still believe it is the best to happen that time...

miss all the conversation,

the laughing,

the song we sang,

the food we share,

the moment we had...

 i am surely miss all that...

but if i could turn back time,

i wont make it different..

what happen is something that suppose to happen...

letting people go is hard..but let the memories go is even harder..
after all, you still need to let it go...
what used to keep something that not belong to you...

p/s: full of bad feeling after raya..thinking if i let all go..can i stay alone?without best friend memories?
i think that the best way to do right now..