a day

Bismillah..

22nd of march 2014...

my friend engagement day, or people normally calling it as E-day...
not like an E-mail, and not even close to E-bay..haha
it is more than that..it is a promise day...
once you ask for the girl hand from her family officially,
you actually give promises to learn to take care of her and learn how to be a man of her life after her dad...
you promise, you will one day make her happy for every second of her life onward..
at least that what i'm thinking about E-day..horror huh?haha

yes, Siti Nasihah is engage...
well, she is really a nice girl..i'm not found any more kind than her...
praying all things gonna be fine..
nine month to go..for her of course...
happy for her..

me,
i'm about to move out from my current room, since i will finish my data collection..
and maybe i need more space...or i do need space..
stressing about all things that happen right now...
until i felt so miserable..very miserable..
i don't know where i can share my problem anymore..
feel like i don't trust anyone anymore...i can't think of a name that i can trust..
giving up to trust a friend, a best friend, and even a bestest friend...
my bestest friend too? i been rejected for so many time, and that seriously not a good feeling...
i try to pretending that things do not change and stay the same,
but the more i pretending, the more hurt i need to deal with...

i smile, i laugh...but the truth...i'm just crying and crying...
and i become more sensitive..i become more messy...
i don't know what to do..i clueless..
i always saying to my self that "everything will be alright"
but it never turn alright...
sometimes, i feel like to giving up...
and make myself disappear from people around me..
and if only i can do that..

for now,
i just keep pretending that i'm alright..
until one day...i just not there anymore..

p/s: Semoga Allah mengampun kan dosa-dosaku..kerna aku sedar..setiap hari, aku semakin liar dan jahat...
dan telah mencemarkan cintaku padaNya, dan juga pada Rasulullah saw..a man that i truly love..but if i continue to be a bad person, i will not going to meet him...and that makes me worried every single day...
if only i can die before i losing up all my kindness...