Just let me to be happy

Bismillah...

things doesn't goes well as expected...
keep thinking...what else should I do?

one word........miserable..
y did I say "yes" 2 years ago?
what am I thinking that time..
why this person appear to my life?
this person have all things that I hate the most...
yet, why did I say yes?

I know...
just because I am disappointed with the other answer..
then I choose to ruined my life...my whole life...

now I know how a single word can destroy my past, my present, and my future..

less than a month now...
my sis say its normal..but yet, I don't think so..
it is not normal...
how come hatred become so dominant?
I even thinking about to run away when the time is come..

but left my mom with shame on that day is impossible..
arghh...

Oh Allah..
please let me be happy..
with this fate...
I know this will never be the things that I love,
but You are the best planner..
I only have faith on You...

demi

Bismillah..

this song seems read myself well...

 

                    demi malam yang mungkin tak sempat habis,
                   demi siang yang mungkin tak sempat sampai... 
                               sudah-sudah lah...- Fynn Jamal

Itu kata fynn jamal...
kata aku pulak apa?

Kecewa...
itu cuma perasaan..
yang jika bukan hari ini, pasti esok...

yang aku kejar..
cuma bayangan yang mengecewakan...
jika tak hilang hari ini, pasti esok...

kenapa aku diberi gula?
bila besok mencipta penyakit...
kenapa dia kau beri madu?
kerana besok dia yang kau mahu?

sudah-sudah lah...

demi erti persahabatan
jangan beri aku apa-apa,
kerna besok sudah tiada masa...

demi erti persahabatan
sudah-sudah lah
aku penat dan kecewa...

p/s: kalau aku kuat, akan aku tanya tepat ke mata die...kenapa? luluh jantung di biar mati, di racun sahabat sendiri...

my pre-wedding

Bismillah...

my pre-wedding plan...not photo..no no no

Ok...if i can count day from today, only 46 days left...
fourty six huh?
seems like a lot of time remaining...duhhh

the nerve..the urgency...

there are a lot of things that i need to settle..... yet...
"Today I don't feel like doing anything,  I just wanna lay in my bed"
yeah..just like a lazy song...
that is what i feel..

but Alhamdulillah...
even things that tick as done is not that much,but it seem to be settled one by one...

firstly...
alhamdulillah..what interview or what position, let it stay a secret..haha
seems it is only a interview...
Remember Prof Ali advice...90/10 principle...90% is from you and 10% is fate...
 

I looking for a job...desperately...
even not yet finish my master..
johor is prior...even heart keep saying to stay..
Pray for the best...

Secondly:
borang nikah online submit already...only for n9, melaka, perlis, kedah and perak girl..ok?
this is a must...
and this coming jumaat, the result will come out...
Semoga dipermudahkan..

Thirdly:
 Wedding card...in progress....insyaAllah...
let see a piece of it..

  

this company is quite cheap... 500pcs+2 Bunting+ 5 button badges+post cost = rm220.00 

after a lot of consideration, this is the final design..

I  felt bad anyway, since i can't use my own design due to  costing...

 its ok..lets the important be prior...

fourthly...

my writing....yup still in progress..

chapter 4 already...need to keep on track...

thanks to my friend for staying back at faculty and write together-gether...

I think the next post, will be after I calculate all the expenses..hopefully i'm NOT over the budget..

so, until next post..

p/s: Can't think too positive now..need to be prepared! bersiap siaga

bet my life

Bismillah...

It seems like the whole year been busy..
what a world that I living in?
trying to get better every single day, even when its getting worse....

laughing on a jokes that makes other cry,
and crying on a jokes that others told...

now the day is less that 2 month,
while i keep counting on a day i left,
put myself in calm situation,
while outside is getting havoc..

before the day gone mad,
before everything is no longer mine,
only a few word left

I've told a million lies
But now I tell a single truth
There's you in everything I do

from now on..

I pray that u'll found someone lovely and sweet

that gonna take care of you..

choosing you, only you..while others millions are wait for her...

p/s: should I start counting days and start to love, while my heart seem reluctant to do so?I pray everything is gonna be just fine and get rahmah from Allah..

it's fixed!

Bismillah..

it's been a long time..
for me,not to blog walking..
and now, need to do blog walking to certain blog asap...

since life gonna be hard and harder,
i'll try to do things as efficient as possible..
insyaAllah...

it's fixed..date is fixed!!

less than three month to go..
nervous, worried, blur, and tired...
mixed feeling...
and really need to calm down..

the "list to do" is quite long and i'm done nothing...
what the first things to do?
fill up form?
cards?
backdrops?
dress?
catering?
goodies?
which one???

pray Allah make all easy...

3 month notice

Bismillah...

3 month...
seem so short when deals with study...
not yet done journal writing in 3 month
not yet done chapter writing in 3 month
arghh...so short

and one more thing that cannot be done in 3 month..
this one is something that will change my life totally...
will change my status...
will change my point of view...
will change my heaven direction...from mom to...hurmmm

3 month??
what i'm suppose to do?
what i'm suppose to react?
yes?
no?
give us another chance?
what?

one thing to do for now..
keep calm and istikharah

hela nafas kesyukuran

bismillah..

No matter how hard life could be, we know deep in our heart,
we will keep moving
cause Allah is there...always

Allah..
berikan lah ketenangan..
dan jadikan apa yang pernah berlaku iktibar dlm ceritaku..
jadi kan perpisahan ini pengakhiran penyeksaanku,
dan jadikan pertemuan akan datang sebagai bermulanya bahagiaku...
aku redha atas apa yang berlaku..
dan ikhlas utk aku melepaskan sesuatu yang sukar...

mungkin pada yang lain, bunyi nya seakan mngeluh
keluhan kesedihan dan kekecewaan...
namun cukup jelas pada aku..
ia adalah hela nafas kesyukuran..
syukur kerana sekali lagi cinta ku di uji...
dan aku tetap memilih redha padaMu...

In life there are people that will hurt us and cause us pain,
but we must learn to forgive and forget and not hold grudges.

In life there are mistakes we will make,
but we must learn from our wrongs and grow from them.

In life there are regrets we will have to live with,
but we must learn to leave the past behind and realize it is something we can't change.

In life there are people we will loose forever and can't have back,
but we must learn to let go and move on.

In life there are going to be obstacles that will cause interference,
but we must learn to overcome these challenges and grow stronger.

In life there are fears that will hold us back from what we want,
but we must learn to fight them with the courage from within.

God holds our lives in his hands. He holds the key to our future.
Only he knows our fate.

He see's everything and knows everything.
Everything in life really does happen for a reason: "God's Reason".

-Angie Flores-

so true

I miss the taste of a sweeter life
I miss the conversation
I’m searching for a song tonight
I’m changing all of the stations

I like to think that we had it all
We drew a map to a better place
But on that road I took a fall
Oh baby why did you run away?

I was there for you
In your darkest times
I was there for you
In your darkest nights

But I wonder where were you?
When I was at my worst
Down on my knees
And you said you had my back
So I wonder where were you?
When all the roads you took came back to me

So I’m following the map that leads to you
The map that leads to you
Ain't nothing I can do
The map that leads to you
Following, following, following to you
The map that leads to you
Ain't nothing I can do
The map that leads to you
Following, following, following

I hear your voice in my sleep at night
Hard to resist temptation
'Cause something strange has come over me
And now I can’t get over you
No, I just can’t get over you

Cerita Cinta Aku

Bismillah...

jam hampir menunjukan 12 tgh malam..
well, cliche plak bile start mcm tu..tp xpe la...
saje nak menaip malam ni...hahh

masih terkenang2 lagi mimpi semalam...
insan yang aku rindu 200% muncul sbg hero mimpi aku..
feeling so real...sedih bile sedar itu semua mimpi dan khayalan aku semata....
my friend kate "tu la, dok sebut2 name die..masuk dlm mimpi"..
mungkin la..org tua2 pun kate mcm tu..sebab dok sebut, masuk ladlm  mimpi..
bukan sebab jodoh pun...damn~

kadang2, bile nak tido...sambil muhasabah diri..
aku terpikir, mcm mane la nak tau jawapan istikharah..
dok google ustaz azhar pun, mcm still confius...
betul ke ape yang aku rase..or mungkin sebab aku bias...
ustazah kate "istikharah ni kne neutral..xboleh ada rase pade sape2..baik A atau pun B"
so,tu antara sebab knape aku stop istikharah aku malam ke 4..
ingat nak buat sampai malam ke-7..
tak kesampaian...dulu la..cerita istikharah awal tahun hari tu...haha

antara kehendak hati, atau jawapan or mungkin bayangan seolah jawapan...
akhirnya aku pilih untuk lupakan je sape2 y muncul..
baik baru muncul,atau pun y da hampir sedekad muncul...
tapi hati..mane la boleh menipu...
rindu dan rasa sayang...bukan senang nak tukar jadi benci...
tapi sekurang2nya azam 44 hari tu menjadi je..

kenape kene fikir, org y lansung tak fikir pasal kita...
jawapan aku senang..sebab bodoh...
so, disebabkan aku benci perkataan bodoh, maka terpaksa la aku, untuk tidak berfikir pasal org itu..
sebab bodoh la, aku rasa hidup aku teruk sekarang ni..
belajar tinggi-tinggi pun, ada masa kita tetap bodoh...
so aku decide untuk tak jadi bodoh lagi..

study tinggal 6 bulan...
mysweet ct da dpt keje..mmg nak hasut die blanje aku...hahh
aku pun ingat nak balik for good la kat umah..
lagi pun, da lame sgt rasenye hidup kat upm...
sejarah2 yang ade dlm kepale otak aku is sejarah heart broken je byk...
and sejarah jumpe sahabat2 yang sgt unik...love all them..
da tibe mase aku mulakan sejarah baru...tempat baru..kawan baru...

klu boleh aku tak nak lagi duduk upm sem depan...
malas aku nak recall memori2 indah klu tetibe terserempak...
buat sakit balik je hati aku yang kene kelentong hidup2..
tp akibat kemalasan aku menulis thesis, maka ade la lagi aku sem depan...
target bulan 12 chow....or mungkin awal dari tu...

pasal kawin..hurm..
mcm tadi la..aku klu boleh, aku tak nak lagi bodohkan diri aku...
cukup la kot...
jodoh ni rahsia...
klu Allah nak bagi, die bagi..klu bukan jodoh, tggu la 3-4 tahun pun..memang bukan jodoh...

pasal keje..
aku da mule la pikiaq keje melalut ke laut..
niat hati mcm nak jadi pelukis jalanan...tp susah la...confirm mak xbagi..
pastu, klu xde restu..confirm xde pelanggan...da sah2 aku mmg xpandai melukis..aigoo
keje lain dalam kepale otak aku ni, bisness..
proposal pun xsiap2...ape nak jadi la aku ni...

org kate, "sambung la Phd"...ade giler...
mmg x la skrg...aku mcm rase bosan da belajar...teruk2..
buat mase ni je la..belajar serius fun..tp tak real...
rase mcm hidup dalam fantasi..org2 sekeliling mcm still tahap baik n separa baik..
hakikatnye kat luar, jahat kot..
kate je bos, tp die la hantu..dok aniaya staff...
so, memandangkan umur aku pun da 26 tahun, aku rasa da tiba masa aku sedar diri
hidup dan hadapi kehidupan...
yang penuh cabaran dan liku-liku..

impian...
satu je...masuk syurga..
at last..xkesah la sape jodoh aku, ape keje aku, sampai mane aku belajar...
yang paling penting is syurga...
aku kne ubah diri aku bukan untuk sape2, bukan untuk keje...
tp untuk syurga yang harga nye terlalu mahal...
beberape kali aku jatuh...tersembam jauh ke dalam dunia berlumpur busuk dan kotor...
syukur Allah masih kurniakan insan2 hebat untuk memimpin tangan aku..
tarik dan terus menarik..
sampai satu saat, malu rasanya sering ditarik...
sedang aku masih tidak mampu menarik org lain...

satu bende yang aku tau

Alhamdulillah atas semua nya...
itu lah Anugerah Cinta Teragung bagi aku...
cinta yang tak pernah meninggalkan, menipu,  mahu pun menuntut balasan....

andai takdir itu mendahului

Bismillah...

lama sudahku mencari bayangmu...
yang hilang bertahun-tahun yang semakin rapuh..
bila tersedar di atas kesilapan diriku...
maafkanlah aku,bila aku melukai hatimu
mungkin juga kita yang terlupa siapakah diri ini...
bila tiada lagi ku sedari kisah ini terhenti...
cubalah fahami cinta ini
memerlukan kau dan aku...

even though i've tried...
the love and the pain wont go away..
you always in that memories..
seems to be stuck and go no where...
but i really do wanna stop all this..

Maafkanlah pintaku begitu,
tak terdaya tak mampu menjaga cintamu...
hapuskanlah setulus kau khianati
usah pernah tangisi,
maaf sejuta kata...ku tak kan cuba kembali..

even i hurt and cried all night,
i always know that takdir itu sentiasa mendahului...
and to see you happy with ur life...a life without me,
make me think...and feeling so sure
i know i made a mistake by the time i said "yes"..

seperti mentari kan hilang,
mengikut jejakmu,menghapus bayangmu..
dan tidak bisaku mengerti semua yang terjadi harus begini..
kini yang tinggal hanya, sisa-sisa kisah yang terindah..
dan hitam tiba membawa derita..
sejujurnya masih ada rasa cinta yang tak akan putus
kerna alasanmu untuk ku bahagia
seharusnya kau sedari separuh jiwaku akan mati..
yang tinggal hanya alasan untuk bahagia...

what left is only a reason for me to be happy..

p/s: people say that smile can heal every tears... but why i keep crying even i tried hard to smile? heartbroken and keep bleeding... ;(

if i close my eyes

Bismillah

If I close my eyes, what I can see is only....hurm
my heart is only calling for........
damn..what happen to me...
hate myself keeping be this person...
I miss the old me...me with nobody...
not even with you...or with him

If only you could see the tears in the world you left behind
If only you could heal my heart just one more time
Even when I close my eyes
There's an image of your face
And once again I come to REALIZE
You're a loss I can't replace

Soledad
It's a keeping for the lonely
Since the day that you were gone
Why did you leave me
Soledad
In my heart you were the only
And your memory lives on
Why did you leave me
Soledad

Walking down the streets of Nothingville
Where our love was young and free
Can't believe just what an empty place
It has come to be
I would give my life away
If it could only be the same
Cause I conceal the voice inside of me
That is calling out your name

Soledad
It's a keeping for the lonely
Since the day that you were gone
Why did you leave me
Soledad
In my heart you were the only
And your memory lives on
Why did you leave me
Soledad

Time will never change the things you've told me
After all we're meant to be love will bring us back to you and me
If only you could see

Soledad
It's a keeping for the lonely
Since the day that you were gone
Why did you leave me
Soledad
In my heart you were the only
And your memory lives on
Why did you leave me
Soledad 

p/s: Can't focus on my writing..too much thinking make myself useless...

it's time

Bismillah...

thing that happen, make me think about something...
why i still holding the memories if it is just make myself worst..

i just stuck in someone shoe..
feel like exactly like peterpan song "menghapus jejakmu"
i really need to move on if i wanna live for my mom and myself..

someone who already decide not-to-exist in my life, supposedly gone by now..
it is time for me to remove all things that play around in my head..
why i need to keep it?
and why i need to be hurt and stupid, just because the promise of yesterday..
"hope this friendship last forever" and
finally the hope....be last thing to hold...and its time to let it all go now..

I think to put this, far far away from my life since this always be with me since day first I'm in Serdang...

I don't think this is necessary anymore to give me strength...

"engkau bukan lah segalaku, bukan tempatku hentikan langkahku"

p/s: when all people dreaming to be together, i dream to be alone...

once in a lifetime

Bismillah...

not too late to say this, i guess..
SALAM LEBARAN EIDUL FITRI MAAF ZAHIR DAN BATIN

for sure, I miss my dad a lot...
ask for his forgiving i a must..
yet, he reply nothing..
but i am surely believe he know that i miss him soo damn much..

i try to be great daughter...i mean better daughter since i am already great..daa
to u...and to mom..
i made a lot of mistake..to u and to mom..
i am sorry...i'll fix that this year..ok dad?

here some picture for u..

we look so orange that morning...everybody is here..

daughter and son...selfie...that new term,dad..additional word in dictionary..hehe

and of course...we the only who living alone and stay single...i mean 4 of us..

as just like u taught us..."ziarah" all atok and wan...makcik n pakcik...

and of course...here, picture of yours sweet little son and daughter..or may be prince and princess..living without you is hard, dad...but thanks for the only hero you left with us..

this is the 3rd day raya...nothing to do..just trying easily to finish all durian, manggis, rambutan, duku...etc

forget to mention..everybody left me behind, dad..me, myself sewing my own hari raya dress...thanks Allah cause its come out beautifully...for me at least...

u never left me behind, right dad? cause i always be ur little princess..yes, even i am big..haha

nice talking to you, dad..

before i end this,

i just wanna say..

when people or may be a person hurt me,

i really want u to be there and scold them..

like u always do...

those family make fool of me..and i am really sad right now..

heart broken and angry..

i know u can't come back home,now..

but in case u cross by, 

please come and visit me...

bye dad..

every moment happen is once in a lifetime..

I cannot get this second again in the future..

once i did, there will be no more turn back..

yes i regret...but i still believe it is the best to happen that time...

miss all the conversation,

the laughing,

the song we sang,

the food we share,

the moment we had...

 i am surely miss all that...

but if i could turn back time,

i wont make it different..

what happen is something that suppose to happen...

letting people go is hard..but let the memories go is even harder..
after all, you still need to let it go...
what used to keep something that not belong to you...

p/s: full of bad feeling after raya..thinking if i let all go..can i stay alone?without best friend memories?
i think that the best way to do right now..

what goin' on, beb?

Bismillah...

Its been a month already...
did not post anything yet for this month of barakah..Ramadhan

If I still can say this..hehe
Salam Ramadhan...

a lot of things happen around me...
and bryan adam "please forgive me" song keep playing in my mind
well, I'm surely did so many bad thing past couple of month, or maybe past couple of year..
forgive me please...

anyway what is actually happen to me?

well, i've got a job at KLIA..just to search some different mood..haha, yeah right~

everyday view...please make sure if you using international flight (Air Asia), come early...
because from the first check point, u need to walk 10 minutes..if u run, then it'll be 8 minutes...haha
and of course there is second check point too...weird huh?well...

and of course, i found another brother...abang ngah la konon..
we decide to resign together, however because of pending payment, then he still on that "not-clever" company until friday...be patient please...
my abg ngah already report about this company to HR ministry..great...so company cannot easily bullying staff like what this company do..thanks Allah cause it happen to us..what if it is happen to someone with SPM level where they just about to get their first job.

oh, yes..i have the opputunity to sahur and "sungkei"= berbuka dalam bahasa sarawak at KLIA2..
and thank for every single person that show so much concern and treat me with food...forget to mention, food in KLIA2 is superb expensive for someone like me...

This Rice and Anchovies Sambal: Made by my small2 friend, An...thankz..simple yet full with Love..great taste...

This Masak Kurma Ayam and Sayur Campur: Made by Abg Polis KLIA2..sedap sgt

 Gloria Jean...long time no see...ok..the coffe : Mint Chocolate Bomb, I buy myself and the puff is be treat by 2 little brother, who work there..sweet man...

and the coffee...nobody can forget the taste..superb gilerss..

Some other time, this is the only food i ate...

for sahur, texas porridge is favret...confirm sedap!

Ok..This Ayam Masak Merah made by Intan Mom..and no doubt..taste like mom dishes...

This is for sahur...one of the worker (not my company) give this..Ayam Masak Kicap..and one sweeet kurma..thanks for the unknown man who give me this..

This is give by customer..because I help her, and she said "This is a gift for you"...a sweet korean women..thanks...

Last but not least...Kurma YUTA...from my lovely boss ever...Prof.Zainal..

Prof:"what are you doin?"

Me: Sleep...(Oh snap!!)

terpakse mengaku sbb die bukak pintu terus..haha

kerana terpaksa aku relakan...

Ifthar with Family...done
Ifthar alone...done
Ifthar with kolej-mate...done
Ifthar with Teh..this evening
Ifthar with Nadia, Ecah, Wan...Tomorrow
Ifthar with my best friend...not yet
Ifthar with hubby...seems like never gonna happen...still single..haha

whatever it is..this month give 1001 stories in mylife..
most of them is sad...
but, I'm sure that is the best to happen in my life line...
and now looking a job in Seremban area..

Happy Sungkei y'olls...

liar

Bismillah..

some may pronounce as LIAR (malays version) a.k.a wild
and some may pronounce LIAR a.k.a cheater..

Well, this year..
from early of the year...
not even a single weekend left out with weeding story..

i am such a liar if i told that i don't feel anything...
some of the day, i felt very angry and dissapointed..
and some of the day, i feel very happy to stay single..

and today..
 i feel very sleepy and tired..
think about resignation..
haha..just after one week..
soooo-not-a-fighter..

suddenly a prince come and save me...
with some kind of super bike..
the big one...black hair...till shoulder...just like the way i want to..
"senyum senget"..just like i dream to..
elegant, sophisticated, smart with tie..
not too romantic, but enough to make me smile..

damn...dream again! dushhh

"Alhamdulillah kerana memberi kekuatan dan redha terhadap perkahwinan kami serta mempermudahkan urusan majlis kami tahun 2014 ini..Alhamdulillah"

ps: Ustazah kata doa yakin benda da pun jadi boleh...yang penting yakin..

Follow the wind

Bismillah..

i've got only 5 minutes to write on my blog..damn
i should spend more time in my life for my life..

well,
life a bit change..just follow the wind anyway
alhamdulillah..
result presentation done..
and now focusing on writing..
well, not so writing la..
since i've got new job..at klia2 (not stewardess..please no...)

just in small small company..
i thought sobah will be there too, but yet he quit 2 days just
before i'm in..
no friends..no mood...
and what am i thinking right now is just to gain some experience..
since i am 26 now..
and no experience..pity my self..
so i just give a shoot on this..

tired.. and super tired
yet, that is life..
i pray, everything goes simply smooth..
and for all of you too.. k

daa....

the hard part

Bismillah

bila bersahabat,
apa yang paling sukar adalah mengekalkan persahabatan

bila bercinta,
apa yang paling sukar adalah mengekalkan percintaan

bila sudah berkahwin,
apa yang paling sukar adalah mengekalkan perkahwinan

the hard part always come after we have it..
there is a time I felt...
I don't want to have it at the first place...
but after a deep thought,
before i owned it, i want it..badly

Allah give us what we pray for,
and after that,
when we feel hurt, we just get mad and say
"Why Allah give me this and that"

I really hope and pray...
I don't be one of that kind..

because I know,
every single person that come to my life
is a gift...
Alhamdulillah...
now I know a lot of people with a lot of attitude..

Say Something

Bismillah..

Hey you!!...
Yes you...

Say something, I'm giving up on you

I'll be the one, if you want me to

Anywhere I would've followed you

Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I am feeling so small

It was over my head

I know nothing at all

And I will stumble and fall

I'm still learning to love

Just starting to crawl

Say something, I'm giving up on you

I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you

Anywhere I would've followed you

Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I will swallow my pride

You're the one that I love

And I'm saying goodbye

Say something, I'm giving up on you

And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you

And anywhere I would've followed you (Oh-oh-oh-oh)

Say something, I'm giving up on you

Say something, I'm giving up on you

Say something...

Thanks for the love and memories 

that still stay in me.. 

and Alhamdulillah for the love that need me to hold..

It might seem like a fate..

but it need faith..for me to hold on..

#GivingUp

Its Time

I don't care if I hurt,
but I won't let you..
I don't care if I don't smile,
but I won't let you..
Only one things I let you do,
left me..
If you happy with someone else,
better than with me,
then I let you..

I see you cry,
I see you hurt,
and I even see you miserable...
Its hurt me when I have to see that
in you..

Now,
You have your own life,
You have your own happiness,
You have your own someone,

so,
I let you,
to left me..

Quey sera..sera..
Whatever will be, wil be..

Lately..When Bad Things Happen

Bismillah...

I having a nightmare..and the problem is..
it is not a dream..gosh..

I just don't understand why this is happening..
but, i absolutely know how it happen..

It suppose to be just fine..
but just because of one small mistake that we make,
the problems getting bigger and bigger..
until he said "tim is just like prof.zainal"
what that suppose to mean..genius?
but of course..
he the one who doesn't know how to deal with it..
ask us to settle everything and back off..
and suddenly say "I call the boy, and I know you not clear with me"
If only I can say...
"Assalamualaikum...we tell everything at the very beginning...
and you say nothing regarding this let us handle...we explain already!!
and know what..
how about if I quit since you accusing me for doing something that i'm not even done it..
and maybe after that you may explain to your boss.."
how that sound?
I am pissed off...I am not that desperate..
after what happen in my project,
he make thing worst..

but yes,
when I a bit cool down..I can't even imagine..
how if i said those..for sure..
me..creating a world war 3...damn!

Right from this moment..
I learn something...
never ever deal with someone that you don't know..
or maybe..someone hypocrite..

# I will not begging for sorry...things past already...

to be clean

Bismillah...

It suppose to be just fine and alright,
but we only can plan,
Allah swt makes things happen as He wish..
and the things that happen is the best..
for sure...

What i feel now is...
"Allah swt deleting every person that not suppose to be in my life"

worst come to worst..i'll quit from this Campus...

if HE said so...

Bismillah..

Recently, I facing with a very difficult situation..
I don't even know how deal with it..
what am I suppose to react to it..
Smile?
Crying?
Hiding myself?
Angry?
I'm totally not sure...

"Mungkin kan terputus di tengah jalan,

Mungkin kan terlerai tanpa ikatan"

Usah ragu dengan takdir...

" Mungkin kita kan berbeza haluan,

Berakhirnya cerita percintaan"

Segalanya ketentuan Tuhan...

Finally I choose to smile and keep move on..
Somehow, that is not as easy as it seem..
Smile to all person I know just to show that I am stronger..
yes, I can do that...
but then crying all night...is something that I can't deal with anymore
It is way too much depression...misery...
being hypocrite to myself, like I don't feel-a-thing is not a right way to do...

but I believe smile, and keep smiling always help me to get better..
even sometimes I really wanna tell others how hurt it is..
how I really wanna scream and let it out loud...so the pain will go away...
but at the same time
I know I really can't depend on others just to stay and hear me..
not to a person with full of lies..
and I decided not to share anymore..
as I don't think the person even care about what happen...
I'm totally sure, I don't need him anymore..ever...promise this to myself..

Everything happen have its own reason...
As He already plan the most bestest plan for me..
and I don't even care anymore...
what I wanna do is to stay away from every single person
that actually hurt me..thats all...
and stay away forever...

now I feel better..

fairytale

Bismillah...

from the beginning..
 i love to dreaming about thing that impossible to achieve..
i put myself on that dream and keep saying that,
the dream is real..and it is wonderful..

so even, sometimes when i get hurt,
i will laughing and continue laughing..
laughing like i won't be hurt again..

i hate people who lie to me..
cause in my fairytale,
everybody is kind..they don't lie

but for real..me,
i lie to myself...
why i lie to myself?
i know the dream never come true..
but why i keep making myself believe on those dream..

shoulder...
i need a shoulder to cry on...
when the things get tougher..
i need a shoulder..
he said he gonna be there, but...
oh..he seem busy with others..

maybe i just need to move on..
and keep make myself believe and smile again..

now i know,
what mean of
"even your shadow leave you when dark"
all i need is myself...
i will go through this all by myself..

the pain..
it is just a process..
i'll be ok soon...

a day

Bismillah..

22nd of march 2014...

my friend engagement day, or people normally calling it as E-day...
not like an E-mail, and not even close to E-bay..haha
it is more than that..it is a promise day...
once you ask for the girl hand from her family officially,
you actually give promises to learn to take care of her and learn how to be a man of her life after her dad...
you promise, you will one day make her happy for every second of her life onward..
at least that what i'm thinking about E-day..horror huh?haha

yes, Siti Nasihah is engage...
well, she is really a nice girl..i'm not found any more kind than her...
praying all things gonna be fine..
nine month to go..for her of course...
happy for her..

me,
i'm about to move out from my current room, since i will finish my data collection..
and maybe i need more space...or i do need space..
stressing about all things that happen right now...
until i felt so miserable..very miserable..
i don't know where i can share my problem anymore..
feel like i don't trust anyone anymore...i can't think of a name that i can trust..
giving up to trust a friend, a best friend, and even a bestest friend...
my bestest friend too? i been rejected for so many time, and that seriously not a good feeling...
i try to pretending that things do not change and stay the same,
but the more i pretending, the more hurt i need to deal with...

i smile, i laugh...but the truth...i'm just crying and crying...
and i become more sensitive..i become more messy...
i don't know what to do..i clueless..
i always saying to my self that "everything will be alright"
but it never turn alright...
sometimes, i feel like to giving up...
and make myself disappear from people around me..
and if only i can do that..

for now,
i just keep pretending that i'm alright..
until one day...i just not there anymore..

p/s: Semoga Allah mengampun kan dosa-dosaku..kerna aku sedar..setiap hari, aku semakin liar dan jahat...
dan telah mencemarkan cintaku padaNya, dan juga pada Rasulullah saw..a man that i truly love..but if i continue to be a bad person, i will not going to meet him...and that makes me worried every single day...
if only i can die before i losing up all my kindness...

when we still have love...

Bismillah...

Pray that MH370 will be just alright...
no matter where they are..
I don't know, but i do feel that they alright...
come safe everyone..
i might don't even know who you are,
but i and the rest of Malaysian is waiting for you guys to flew back here!

hibernate on sunday..
waiting for a good news...
speculation is everywhere...
and me...
imagine if this is happening to me,
what am i gonna do?

#things i gonna do/say before it too late

First,
I wanna say to my mom..that i love her so much and sorry for being a bad daughter..
 I am very grateful that i able to tell my dad that I love him, before he left us..even it is once...
Second
I wanna apologize to all my friends,
friends that i ever cheat, and act bad...i'm so sorry...
i might hurt more heart that  can ever imagine..sorry for every lied i did..
Third,
To my almost parents-in-law...I'm so sorry for treating your son badly..
I try to be better..and always try
Fourth,
my beloved sisters..especially ct..
u have said to me " you know that you are the sister that i've been waiting so desperately..thats why i called you baby"..i miss u, sis...
lastly,
to my bestest friend..
which maybe you have someone now,
i always thankful to know you and having you in my life..
even i said i wanna get you out from my life..i lied..
cause i can never to throw you away..you just like a half-part of my lifebook..

Jika teringat tentang dirimu

Berlinang air mataku

Ku rindu saat-saat bersamamu

Kasih sayangmu padaku

Kini kau bukan milikku

Dan berakhir sudah cintaku

Biarkan saja hatiku bicara

Ku masih sayang padamu

Aku selalu mendoakanmu 

Agar kau bahagia 

Bersama dirinya selamanya

Betapa sakitnya apa yang ku rasa

Tuhan kuatkanlah hatiku yang terluka

Semoga ku bisa tuk melupakannya

i have someone else to take care now...
i mean on learning..hardly learning...
___________________________________________________________________
after i had a deep thought today,
i just wanna keep a promise to myself..
if what i wanna do in life is right and what i did is right, i will keep on going..
i am not going to pleasure anyone anymore..never ever again..
if someone is wrong, i will say it direct to her/his face!

my project taught me a lot of things..
what is friendship...
since i am a person who cannot live without friend..
there are two type of friend :true and hypocrites
and what is family..
nobody is left behind...

A day with Friends

Bismillah...

I called it a day...
a wonderful day...

 love both picture..the environment calm and sound peace...i felt it!

Pahang trip only take a day...yupp! only a day...
and since we have not much time to spend..
we just see around..and maybe comeback for the 2nd wave..
i said may be..hehe
already meet a superb chicken farmer...mr.look-alike-bubu..
watcha!!

well,
he had told us something,
and we feel very sad about it...very dissapointed!
but then, he try to help us and we do have fun...
thanks En.Yusri, for helping us..and for the lunch too..
it is a fate, that we meet u that day without we expected and now we realize...
how wonderful to sharing not only knowledge but also love...
gonna meet u later k...hehe

even it is only a one-day trip,
i feel better...
and i believe, i'm not miss counting...

always feel happy with friends...and that what friends are...

they know how to make other friend feel better, and be there...

last but not least...
for the first time,
i driving ranger...best!
the most bigger car i ever drive..
yes, amad is the one who driving from KL..
and me only driving to the faculty parking...
but cool...my biggest car kot...

pray this project go smooth...InsyaAllah
i know Allah is the best planner..
and i believe, everything happen for a reason..
and i love to see the ending...
which is, the best part..
gotcha later!

Anger Management

Bismillah...

Settle trip survey North and Southern..Alhamdulillah..
and maybe i need to re-do some of the states...
plus..
and i think..i have problem with anger..

I love my friend...i mean like- i really love my friend..
i do not care whatever they said about me..
i mean, i admit i have a lot of bad things that i do..
plus i'm a little bit slow...
say whatever u wanna say...

and i trust my friends..
-like i really trust them...

but when things happen,
things that i heard....things that i saw...and things that  know after that...
things that my own friend do...a person i used to trust...
oh man..
it is hard for me to believe,
and it is hard for me to control my anger...
especially, when i already try hard to control the situation,
even put my self - forget my own principle...

can't u think, why i need to do that?
for the sake of friend...yes..for the sake of friend..
i ruin my own principle of life..after so many years i took care of it..

friend...
u may do anything u like..i mean like - anything..
but please take care of your friend good name..
if ur friend sacrifice for you something that she took care of for so many years,
u absolutely should or need to understand why...

or maybe , u just can't see anymore...
the sacrifice that ur friend do...

u see...
maybe one day,
nobody will stand for you anymore..

and that time,
if only u realize,
she is no longer a friend that will sacrifice anything for you
- like anything...ever again...

and me and my bestest friend..
i just don't know how to start..when he said "I'd enough of this" and "juz stop!"
i guess, may be he really mean it...
may be i just need to stop..
at least, he not there anymore...for me to turn to..

and now i need to start my anger management!
like..right now

Chicken Trip - EP02 Kelantan Terengganu

Bismillah...

its been a while...
well, need to finish up my data collecting..
just came back from kelantan and terengganu..
tired yet happy..
for sure need to be happy..
if not, we will feel demotivated..

seriously...
kelantan n terengganu have the most beautiful view..
we goin to beach..and it is beautiful...

 we all having superb travel..

yes we work and yes we have fun...

and for sure yes...we tired!

not only that..we also trying one new food (to me especially)..eel..not the electric one, the ordinary..but its fun to knew and try new thing...especially when me, myself as a part of agriculture..so i need to know well of any food based..hehe

 taste like "african catfish", but yet..it is still eel..not bad..well, i've try it already...all malaysian should try this..

we all need a rest..and sure..massage..is the best!

before we going to soooo many oversea...we need to take a rest...

by the way..

we need to travel all around the world..

on your mark, get set...GO!!

 LAHORE

THAILAND 

 IRAQ

 TURKEY 

 MESIR #EGYPT

PALESTINE 

MASJIDIL HARAM..KAABAH 

SYRIA 

CHINA 

 INDONESIA

 ANA, WANI, EN.WADI ON CRUISE!

WINDMILL IRAN..

superb feeling with them...

feel to be love..haha snap!

thanks girl!

you guy irreplaceable!!

thanks guy!

well, tomorow is another trip to start..

hope we all always in superb mood mode!

and keep healthy...

dont be sick all..

we will finish up this fast..

before Dr. stop all our financial..haha

hope he dont!!

PS: today is my birthday..and he doesn't wish me...not even a single msg from fb, or phone...sad, but i have to move on..well, thanks to him..so this will make easy for me to forget!

how

Bismillah..

#Malay Post

bagaimana;
untuk aku pendamkan rasa yang aku ada
bila sentiasa kau ada di situ
untuk melukis setiapnya semula

bagaimana;
untuk aku pejamkan hendak yang sedang sunyi
bila sentiasa kau ada setia
untuk mencelik setiapnya kembali

bagaimana;
kerana aku suda terlalu kebas
dikejam rasa dan hendak yang ada sunyi

bagaimana;
kerana aku sudah berjanji
untuk tidak lagi mahunya lagi..

-fynn jamal-

if only i can promise my self..
and he take my word..
not to be there...and of course, i wont looking for you...-me-

loneliness

Bismillah...

So the "poyo", the title above..
but thats true..
last day is the day of memoriable..of my dad..
already 2 years..but then, really dont feel that he is not around..
i full with memories about him..
if only my dad is alive, i may have different story in my life..
but, fate..nobody have control over it..
and
as i get older, i feel more alone...

first, 

maybe i am far from home..

and all my sis like ignore or maybe forget that i am here in UPM..

second, 

my bestest friend may be no longer the bestest..

he now have another "friend"...well, i now prefer or need to share my hard story with my own self..

u know, talking selfie..haha (got eh that "talking selfies" word?)

third,

i have no supervisor now..he now in India..

leave me all alone doing my project...

forth,

may be i am not yet married...haha

ok, avoid that forth reason...derr~~

somehow,
to make myself no more loneliness,
I make things..
like...

booking hotel with swimming pool IN the room..superb huh?

this is grand lexis, Port Dickson...seriously superb holiday!

or

have a good dinner..hehe..love this kfc chicken..

already have them twice..still love it!

or 

Reading books...

well, i seriously dont like to read..but this 

"Puisi Tepi Jalan" by Fynn Jamal 

seriously superb

every single word is sooo relate to me, myself now..

loneliness..yeah..this book really can make full with tears, love, in my life..

and i found this book

this book is like testing you about al-quran...i really looking for this..

and found it! so i have game to solve everytime i feel bored!

after all, can all this really make the feeling of loneliness going away?
yes, i guess..but for temporary...
well, heart and soul need Allah...not books, not game, not food, and not even holiday..
i will keep remind myself about that..

Start next week, will be so busy collecting data entire malaysia..until march..
may be goin to be a bit silence in "alam maya" life..haha

i pray for everybody happiness...
and pray for everything to going smooth and cool...
oh one more...
i finish all my class...and the overall result is 4..sound happy to me...
hehe..want to get a gift for myself..
what ar?